For those of you who missed my last post, There’s Something About Teddy – Part 1, let me quickly bombard you with an episode recap:
We begin this week’s episode with a second rom-com montage that will serve as a future mushy wedding song:
Warning: You will not be able to listen to the entire song without throwing up in your mouth.
Enter Teddy (AKA Black Santa) my unexpected “fat friend” from Serenity Movers who would soon change everything…
Now maybe I am making too much out of things, but this aging rom-com hack has done her share of divorce digs and she’s made a solemn vow (or series of vows):
1) to never buy IKEA ever again. Just going to Ikea results in self-loathing, depression and fights with loved ones. I am done with that bitches!
2) to never assemble a single piece of piece of cheap furniture for the remainder of my life (Allen wrenches and particle board be gone!)
3) to have an actual floor plan so that I never spend another sweaty Saturday shoving furniture around my living room, scratching the renter’s deposit out of my hardwood floors. (I need that money!)
So, in walks a smiling Teddy with a clipboard…
“Hey, hey, hey, baby… This is how we gonna do it today…” Then, he pauses, looks around as if in a trance and I think, “Oooh, is this the serenity part?”
Because at this point, I need some. In the past 24 hours, I’ve logged at least 100 blocks looking for “the right” shower curtain (so long muffin top! Power walk this mother trucker!) And all I want is some sign of the familiar. A dust bunny from my old apartment would do. Some small bit of structure would have me swooning.
All at once, the revelation hits Teddy. “Wait… I know this place… I moved a couple out of this place 2 years ago!”
“Shut up!” I guffaw, pushing Black Santa and his clipboard. (Involuntary Elaine-from-Seinfeld moment) Out of 8 million people in this beautiful city, he had to walk into this joint.
And I then I have my own revelation… Teddy probably knows where everything goes! Just like that, I snatch the clipboard away from him, “Ho, ho, ho Black Santa! We are making a floor plan!”
Teddy’s eyes catch fire. He takes the number 2 pencil out from behind his ear and we set to work… “Sophie’s desk goes here,” he sketches, “The bed goes against this wall, an L-shaped couch should go in that corner there, the flat screen TV on that side, and oh by the way, the back room should be used for meditation. What else??? The fridge is in the wrong place in the kitchen…we should move it now as you look kind’a skinny, girl…”
As the floor plan completes itself, I realize that Teddy is completely right..about all of it! Black Santa is my decorator. He’s just practically Feng Shui’ed my apartment. Next, we’re moving on to color palates… He tells me he has paint and fabric swatches in the van. Serenity Now!
I love New York. Take that Universe… ho, ho, ha!